The Swift Shaolin Boxer, even by 1970’s Taiwanese kung fu standards, was completely bonkers. There were triple crosses, maybe quadruple, I lost count somewhere along the line. And for around 45 minutes I had no idea what was going on and who were the good guys and the bad guys and why it all mattered. The fights were fun though and used a variety of styles, weapons, and accoutrements.

Angela Mao worked at an inn that was the headquarters for the bad guys. The translation said rebels, but the rebels were usually the good guys, right? Not when Lo Lieh was the leader and ordering people to be murdered. Whatever their game plan was and it was never disclosed, they were the baddies. The good guys sent Hsieh Hsing and later Wang Kuan Hsiung with letters or lists, something that people were willing to kill for. Ultimately, Barry Chan showed up twenty-five minutes into the movie in a field of flags and began dueling with people. He faced people using swords, staffs, a giant, and kung fu fighting, finally facing Chia Ling. After winning the contest he was allowed to work for the emperor and off to Angela’s inn he goes. Was Angela a bad guy? Was Barry a good guy? The bad guys were terrible at communicating to each other who was on their team because they kept fighting each other.

The fights for the time and place were actually pretty good and for the most part avoided kung fu posing although there were way too many misses. The choreography was over the top though----lots of wire fu, trampoline bouncing, gymnastics, reverse shots, and undercranking. Several people fought in an umbrella labyrinth. Why was there an umbrella labyrinth in the middle of nowhere? Who knows? Not only did the grown-ups fight, but when Wang went into a secret monastic lair in a mountain he had to fight child monks wearing gold sequined outfits with special abilities. Why were their child monks? Who knows? One of my favorite tropes-hopping vampires made an appearance and got the chance to fight, too. There was also a killer flute. Music so bad it kills!

The story became more convoluted and hilarious by the minute, fortunately the fights kept coming. I’m always happy to see Angela Mao and her fierce gaze and quick feet. Barry Chan may not have been the strongest fighter but he acquitted himself well in this movie. And Lo Lieh made every kung fu movie better by being on screen even when he was relegated to only a few minutes at the beginning and then at the end. Did I ever figure out what all the fighting was about? To quote one character, “Who knows?”

4 March 2024