Monster Seafood Wars could have been good campy fun if it had given me even one human to root for. I started out octo-mistic, but as it was, I was on Team Kaiju right up until near the end when a surprise hero came to the rescue and almost made the other 74 minutes worthwhile and I'm not squidding.

As someone who has seen her share of Kaiju films, I'm prepared to go along with almost any convoluted storyline they want to hurl at me. This one started with Yuta taking his father's offering to the priest for the annual blessing at the shrine when he's knocked off his bike and his offerings of octopus, squid, and crab are stolen. They end up in the river with ominous bubbles floating over them and the next thing you know, the octopus and squid are ginormous and fighting each other in the city's skyline. The news media names them Takolla and Ikalla. Turns out Yuta had developed SETAP Z which causes animals to become huge. He was fired for going over budget and coincidentally his formula was also stolen. Yuta is hauled into the police station and interrogated by a SMAT (Seafood Monster Attack Team---seriously) commander and his childhood crush who works for the defense minister. He and his ex-work rival and rival for Nana, Hikoma, join SMAT to determine the best way to rid themselves of the seafood infestation. Hikoma has developed giant vinegar canons (I can't make this stuff up) that will spray the beasts and weaken them. It seems to work but then the giant crab, Kanilla, appears and lops off a few octopus and squid arms. Kanilla is unaffected by the vinegar attack and it's back to the drawing board for our heroes, and I use that term loosely. The positive thing that came out of the fight? Apparently, Kaiju meat is enormously delicious. Every restaurant in town tries to get their hands on the rare meat and patrons swamp to the select places that do carry it.

Monster Seafood Wars' writing was more damaging than a Kaiju romp around Tokyo. Yuta, Nana, and Hikoma acted like petulant 12-year-olds throughout the movie causing me to hope they ended up as steak tartare for the beasties. In a scene that harkened back to the sexist 70's, the two males made a bet that whoever won got Nana. Girl was sitting right there next to them while they were pounding their chests. Nana wasn't much better, other than saying derogatory things to Yuta and having expensive dinners with Hikoma, she didn't do much for someone with such a haughty attitude. The boys did nothing but fight and hurl insults at each other, refusing to work together even for the fate of the world. Go Team Kaiju! The only thing that turned this film around for me---spoiler alert--- was Yuta's buddy who unleashed a giant chef robot named Jumbo Cook near the end up the movie to carve the Kaiju into sushi. The last ten minutes were actually good campy fun.

This film was extremely low budget which wasn't a problem for me. I've watched a number of super cheap Kaiju movies and enjoyed them. The sets and props were about as low tech as it gets. The Kaiju looked more like the inflatable stick figures used at car dealerships than guys in rubber suits. Worst of all for me, the focus was almost entirely on the terrible three and their childish behavior. Listening to them bicker for nearly 86 minutes was more painful than whatever the squid with the big eyelashes could have hammered me with.

If you grew up watching Saturday morning children's tv shows with guys in monster or action costumes dancing about and bad acting this may give you a sense of nostalgia. But even the most stalwart seafood lover might find The Seafood Bowl nauseating. Far from being ex-squid-sit, it was clawful.

7/5/23